I've been sitting here wanting to write about something uplifting...but all I have is the sadness. All I have is the difficult spaces of right now. All I have is the painful growth I either get to say yes to - or say no to and instead cling to the pain and wallow.
I've been reading my horoscopes/readings over and over trying to let the messages seep into my very being. Trying to ask, no petition the Universe to please let this be easy. If there is more integration. More releasing. More adjusting. More reworking in my future - with still very tiny breadcrumbs of better, please let me flow into it well at least. Let me be numb or let me be ridiculously optimistic - until something kicks in. And please let it kick in soon.
For the first few weeks of the year, I thought I knew. I thought I had settled into a realism that served me well. I felt that I was doing the adult thing, the right thing, the best thing. And I felt like something should be popping up to say yes Leah. Yes you have. Here is at least one of the things promised. Here's at least one heartfelt hope that you had coming to pass. Here's one indication that the Universe does in fact like speed and things are speeding towards you - finally.
But creeping up behind that knowing was a desperate hoping that slowly turned into a creeping, anxious ball of disbelief as the days carried on. A grim reality that no it's not going to be easy. It's still going to be hard. And it's still going to require you to stretch your belief and your perspective so that you can see how this is all still the right steps.
And yes, even though Leah you thought you'd squeezed that last drop of self-discovery, uprendering, surrendering, self-examination, inner child work and the rest - at least enough to get something right - you haven't. There's still something else for you to *admit to yourself*. There's still something else for you to *stop hiding from*.
And it feels like utter bullshit. It feels like I just can't. Like I don't have it in me to try some more. To look at myself as though I am broken and am trying to fix something I've been trying to fix forever.
One bit of beauty and anchor of hope from one horoscope said that this period of feeling so low is right. It said that I am a Mac in a floppy disc world and that deep retreat, depression, sadness, regret or loss are my way to my creative gifts. And it also said that yes, soon it will be easier.
And so I'm holding on to that - desperately. I'm desperately clinging to the promises of the future. I'm desperately needing them to materialize and become real. I'm desperately needing to know that my dreams, regardless of what happens with anyone else's, are going to come true. And I desperately need to feel as though I've done enough work for that to happen.
So here's to that feeling. Here's to whatever it takes to get me back there <3.
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I've decided that here, I'm going to be more transparent about my journey because
1. according to my stats I barely have readers :-) and
2. I've lived life the other way and it barely works. Maybe it's time to just live fully myself with everything on my sleeves. The ugly, the depressive and the "too much" with all the bright and the fuzzy and the "it's all working out better than I could ever imagine!" all together in the same mix, just like they are inside of me.
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I will get to sending out emails again soon with inspiration, real talk, herbal - tarot - astrological considerations and other things I'm sure :). You can join the list below...