Today has been one of the harder days. It's the day after my birthday and I think I thought things would feel different. I think I was hoping for some monumental difference. Some big change. Something tangible and visceral. Something real. Something that would confirm all of this hoopla about how special and amazing Leah is. Something that would help me believe that those accolades translate into something in this real world.
That was the promise of this super blood moon full lunar eclipse, on my birthday nonetheless. I felt like it had to mean something. Something? Something.
And maybe it has and maybe I just can't feel it yet. Maybe some very drastic things have changed in the ethers. Because in truth, I did not really know what else the universe wanted me to give up and purge. I'd given up and purged my non-relationship. I'd given up and purged my dreams of making things work in my businesses the way I'd been trying to all these years. I'd given up and purged needing things to be a certain way or feeling like I would die if they weren't.
So I didn't really know what else there was to do. I'd been petitioning the universe for ages about my big dreams, where I want to go, what I want to do. I'd been calling in everything - with my vision book, my MANGO list, my visualizations, my energy work, my meditations, my spells, my rituals. If you didn't know, my life is a constant exercise in self-awareness and self-actualization to at least show up for myself so that the universe can show up for me. I live my entire life as a ritual to invoke my own self-empowerment and self-growth.
And so with all the talk about "don't be afraid to dream big and call it all in and ask for exactly what you want" - I felt like I'd done that ad nauseum. I felt like there was no way that the big U was not clear on what I wanted. There could be no way.
And so I guess I was waiting for some big sign that what I wanted was on its way. Or maybe even showing up right then. Because eclipses are supposed to be all about changes in an instant. Drastic life changes that completely shift your life.
So I guess I was waiting for that. Waiting for something to say, Leah you don't have to do it this hard way. You've done enough work. You've put in enough hours. You get to have it. You get to have it all. All the things you've asked for. They get to come flooding in right now.
And I don't know, maybe that is happening. Maybe it's just perspective. Maybe it's ok for me to acknowledge that I'm tired and weary and worried that I can't do it anymore. That whatever I had that made me keep believing things would work out, I've lost. And that I don't dare to move anymore. That I don't dare to pick myself up off the floor again.
And then dare to move and pick myself up again like I always do. But without having to fake it and pretend like I was never on the floor in the first place.
I'm on the floor. I was hoping this eclipse would give me new wings, but I feel like I have the same taterred, worn ones that I've had all my life. And maybe that's perfectly ok. At the least it must be how it's supposed to be - because it is.
And I know that if, in fact, nothing dramatic comes in to change my life, nothing that I've wanted and hope for just shows up, that the trajectory that I finally am on is a good one. I know that this slow and steady road could actually get me somewhere. And I know that it's all on me to take the best care of myself so that I can fight the mind demons that try to tell me it's not going to work and that I should try something else or just say fuck it all, all together.
So even though I'm feeling shitty and today has not been the day that I would have liked, I have perspective and I have gratitude because today has had beautiful little gems in it to remind me that, at the least, someone (and the Universe) has my back. And when you're tired of stating your gratefulness for a home, creature comforts, living in the US, your belongings and that you have family that loves you, little things like friends that will talk to you for hours about how shitty you are feeling and *gently* coax you into feeling better and other friends that send you groceries because you might have the flu matter a whole lot and give you something to really hold onto with that gratitude.
So here's to those friends today. I am truly grateful.