I feel as though I'm in a space exactly described by KV of AquariusNation today. You can scroll below to see her post on Instagram. It's truly uncanny how accurate her readings can be - how they can touch on the very thing that you've been feeling.
Since the beginning of the year, I've been in a hazy place. It's like a cocoon almost - birthing a new version of me. A new version that has hit some type of rock bottom and survived.
I'm still just stretching and flexing into this new me. This new me that I think, is truly ok with no one thinking I'm particularly remarkable. With no one thinking I've done anything necessarily worthwhile with my life. With no one having the final say on whether Leah is dope or not.
The funny thing is that I believe for the most part, I put all of that pressure on myself. All of that need to be *something* just made sure that I'd never be enough in my own eyes. And it kept me jumping from thing to thing, desperate for *the* thing that would be the one that would prove that I was something that was enough, valid, justified, worthy of being here.
And the tricky thing about consciousness and subconsciousness is that it's all one trippy, intertwined weave of existence and nuanced understanding and multiple truths. Because the truth is that I do love all the things. All the things I love to do, I truly love to do them.
But my love has been so tainted. My love of all of these things dear to me has been tainted and diluted for most of my life. It all became diluted and gunked up with "but is it good enough?". And if there was no immediate proof (the kind you rarely get in new endeavors), the naysaying in my mind would get way too loud and push my senses out and push me off to the next thing to try to shut it up, maybe this time for good.
And I think that is where the biggest victory for me lies right now. I'm getting a little bit more comfortable with agreeing with that voice. Saying "yep, so what. Yep, I don't know if I'll ever make anything of MOVE Makeup. Oh well. Yep, might not ever write that book. Boohoo. Probably will not ever perform my solo piece, sew my own awesome wardrobe, be invited to teach or speak or present ever again. Oh freakin' well...Yep. But I can enjoy this new TV show. And the park is really awesome. And I like those FUJI apples so much. Etc. Etc."
If I simply just existed for the rest of my life, I think I'm finally coming to a place of being completely ok with that. (At least this go around the spiral of personal growth).
And it's so very freeing. It's completely new and liberating in the freakiest of ways. So much pressure released. No requirement to be anything other than what I am - at that particular moment in time - and free to change in the next moment if I choose.
That's priceless.
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Something I realized the other day that made me genuinely happy is that I am genuinely happy in some of the things that had become blurred by obligation and life fatigue. These are things that I do that just light me up - truly.
For instance, I actually do get a buzz from teaching. I'm not faking that. When I'm in a fantastic mood, I actually am pleasant and glass half-full, silly and goofy and filled with a buoyant energy. I'm not faking that either. There are times that I genuinely enjoy being around people and can strike up random and engaging conversation just for kicks and connection. Those are real moments that I am not forcing one bit.
There is a deep sense of appreciation that grows from being able to own again the things that I began to question about myself. Knowing those parts are really me too gives me even more solid ground to walk out onto as this new me emerges. I'm so curious to see how life will look even just a year from now.
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